"It's a riot" Croydon Weekly Advertiser
Friday 12 August 2011
Thursday 4 August 2011
As the literary phenomenon of 2011 erupts out of cyberspace the plaudits are showered upon man of mystery, The Bear: there is not enough room for all of them naturally, but here are just a few.
"Just when we were expecting the death rattle of the English novel The Bear delights us with his bravura tour de force. The tourist boards of Cornwall and Scotland will be rubbing their hands with glee " Jane Smiley The Guardian
"Move over Salman, the Guru has arrived" Daphne Smedley The Lady
"Move over Louis, der Bear's near" Helmut Krebbs Frankfurter Zeitung
"We can do without this pasty nonsense thank you dreckly " The Cornish Tourist Board
"Och aye, mebbe we'll do a wee Ballochbridge Experience if this catches on " Visit Scotland
"Merry Met, The Bear !! Thank you for presenting a sensible picture of everyday life for Scottish witches. Too often Wicca is depicted in novels and the press as deranged nonsense for cat-owning drama queens." F. McIntosh Witch Magazine
"Many thanks to The Bear for his unhysterical depiction of High Magick in his excellent Cowie novel. We thoroughly recommend this book to our readers" T Marinello Satanist Weekly ( incorporating Evil Today )
The word has spread across the Atlantic; the New Yorker has sent their stringer Sal Opree to interview The Bear at his secret hideaway near Brockenhurst:
Q Is your name really The Bear ?
A Absolutely. Suck it up honey.
Q No offence intended... it just sounds like, you know, one of those dorky student Internet handles.
A No comment; wait a minute Zuckerberg is/was an internet dork ...
Q Yes but he used his real name
A OK my real name is Marcus de Saveloy Rindepest Von Knecht-Ruprecht
Q Whatever
A Want a beer ?
Q Maybe later.... now let's get down to business: your recent work The Chronicles of Cowie has become an overnight sensation. Are you pleased with the reception so far ?
A I've had more exciting overnight sensations if you catch my drift, gorgeous !! No, seriously, I am thrilled and delighted in equal measure with the success of The Chronicles. Have you read them ?
Q Errrm, yes, of course. Very entertaining !!
A Did you like the scene in the Salzburg coffee shop ? That is one of my favourites. When Esmeralda asks for a Poodle instead of a strudel !!
Q Yes that had me rolling on the floor ....genius !!
A Except there was no such scene. You obviously have not read the book. You have just come here to do a hatchet job for your crummy magazine.
Q Ha Ha The Bear. There are no flies on you....no wait a minute there seem to be some kind of insects on your fur....
A Very funny. Can we move on; I have to get down to Sainsburys before they shut ?
Q Is that a bookstore ? Are you doing a signing ?
A I have to check that they have displayed my book correctly
Q Of course. Now, what is the target age group for your readership ?
A 8 and a half to 74
Q Quite wide then. I liked your gimmick of offering readers the chance to appear in the novel for a modest sum. Did anyone take you up on that ?
A Some joker wanted to be a dead wasp ffs.... but he did not pay the very modest fee I requested.
Q Several readers have complained that the editing is amateurish at best, non-existent at worst.
For instance in the section entitled "The Pasty is Another Country" the heroine Esmerelda appears to have several different hair-colours....
A I assume you mean Esmeralda... there is nobody called Esmerelda in the book. Yes the hair thing was deliberate to see if the readers were paying attention. My editing team are top-notch.
I would like to pay tribute to them in your pages.
Q You don't actually have an editing team do you The Bear ?
A Well neither did Shakespeare you bitch
Q Fuck off The Bear
A Your Mum
Q Now, you have acquired a fearsome reputation as a hell-raising party animal The Bear . Is this deserved ? Are you the Hemingway of Brockenhurst ? The Oliver Reed of the New Forest ?
A I have cut back on the drug-fuelled orgies to just once a day now. Are you up for the next one ?
Q No thanks, I do not do bunga-bunga.
A Pity; I could show you my collection of first editions of American poetry. You would be amazed by my Longfellow !!
Q The old jokes are the best, eh, The Bear. What can the readers expect from you in the next 12 months ? Is there something big in the pipeline ?
A Oooh err Missus !! Nurse, the screens !! Well you can expect regular dollops of puerile nonsense at regular intervals. I am planning to set the next episode in Brazil, so expect rip-offs of authors such as Borges, Garcia Marquez and dear Louis.
Q The Bear, on behalf of the New Yorker, thank you.
A I'll be back
A more measured interview was conducted by Stephen Brideshead of the Times Literary Supplement a few days later:
"The Bear, a phenomenon de nos jours. His seminal cyber-masterpiece The Chronicles of Cowie has taken the British literary scene by storm since erupting in early summer 2011.
He has topped the bestseller list on both sides of the Atlantic for weeks. The vampire writers have slunk away from the broad daylight of The Bear's comic genius.
The bookies have stopped taking bets on him winning this Autumn's Booker prize.
Richard & Judy are desperate to interview him but are worried that he may start swearing on Daytime TV.
The less cautious critics are even predicting a call from Oslo in the near future !!
I arrived at The Bear's secret log cabin just outside Brockenhurst in the New Forest with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. This was my first opportunity to interview a future master of the English canon at the very beginning of his career.
After enjoying a modest casse-croute of a Rustlers Mighty Angus with a pleasant bottle of Picpoul de Pinet chilled in the stream at the back of the cabin we began our chat.
When asked for his main literary influences The Bear furrowed his brow and reeled out several dozen European, American, Japanese and Australian authors.
Mainly post-war, mainly pre-2000. The usual suspects were on the list.... Joyce, Poe, Greene, Fowles, Murdoch, Amis père, Burgess, Borges, Rushdie, Barnes, de Bernières.
The Bear asked me to make it plain that he loathes Dickens with a vengeance after being forced to play an urchin in Oliver ! at boarding school.
Some surprises on the list: the Durrell brothers, Tom Robbins, Haruki Murakami, I. Allan Sealy, TH White, Alan Garner, Le Carré, Indridason and several other Scandinavian crime writers.
When asked where he expected posterity to place him in the canon of English literature The Bear grinned and said that he was merely continuing the great English tradition of tomfoolery, expressed alongside his love of the physical and cultural landscape of Albion; a tradition of clownery familiar to dear old Shakey himself.
As I drove away from the modest log cabin towards the fleshpots of Brockenhurst I pondered our meeting and felt humbled to have been in the presence of true comic genius.
I could not put it better than The Bear himself when he said "When all the dust has settled people will read my stuff and say "This guy is a genuine cult""
"Just when we were expecting the death rattle of the English novel The Bear delights us with his bravura tour de force. The tourist boards of Cornwall and Scotland will be rubbing their hands with glee " Jane Smiley The Guardian
"Move over Salman, the Guru has arrived" Daphne Smedley The Lady
"Move over Louis, der Bear's near" Helmut Krebbs Frankfurter Zeitung
"We can do without this pasty nonsense thank you dreckly " The Cornish Tourist Board
"Och aye, mebbe we'll do a wee Ballochbridge Experience if this catches on " Visit Scotland
"Merry Met, The Bear !! Thank you for presenting a sensible picture of everyday life for Scottish witches. Too often Wicca is depicted in novels and the press as deranged nonsense for cat-owning drama queens." F. McIntosh Witch Magazine
"Many thanks to The Bear for his unhysterical depiction of High Magick in his excellent Cowie novel. We thoroughly recommend this book to our readers" T Marinello Satanist Weekly ( incorporating Evil Today )
The word has spread across the Atlantic; the New Yorker has sent their stringer Sal Opree to interview The Bear at his secret hideaway near Brockenhurst:
Q Is your name really The Bear ?
A Absolutely. Suck it up honey.
Q No offence intended... it just sounds like, you know, one of those dorky student Internet handles.
A No comment; wait a minute Zuckerberg is/was an internet dork ...
Q Yes but he used his real name
A OK my real name is Marcus de Saveloy Rindepest Von Knecht-Ruprecht
Q Whatever
A Want a beer ?
Q Maybe later.... now let's get down to business: your recent work The Chronicles of Cowie has become an overnight sensation. Are you pleased with the reception so far ?
A I've had more exciting overnight sensations if you catch my drift, gorgeous !! No, seriously, I am thrilled and delighted in equal measure with the success of The Chronicles. Have you read them ?
Q Errrm, yes, of course. Very entertaining !!
A Did you like the scene in the Salzburg coffee shop ? That is one of my favourites. When Esmeralda asks for a Poodle instead of a strudel !!
Q Yes that had me rolling on the floor ....genius !!
A Except there was no such scene. You obviously have not read the book. You have just come here to do a hatchet job for your crummy magazine.
Q Ha Ha The Bear. There are no flies on you....no wait a minute there seem to be some kind of insects on your fur....
A Very funny. Can we move on; I have to get down to Sainsburys before they shut ?
Q Is that a bookstore ? Are you doing a signing ?
A I have to check that they have displayed my book correctly
Q Of course. Now, what is the target age group for your readership ?
A 8 and a half to 74
Q Quite wide then. I liked your gimmick of offering readers the chance to appear in the novel for a modest sum. Did anyone take you up on that ?
A Some joker wanted to be a dead wasp ffs.... but he did not pay the very modest fee I requested.
Q Several readers have complained that the editing is amateurish at best, non-existent at worst.
For instance in the section entitled "The Pasty is Another Country" the heroine Esmerelda appears to have several different hair-colours....
A I assume you mean Esmeralda... there is nobody called Esmerelda in the book. Yes the hair thing was deliberate to see if the readers were paying attention. My editing team are top-notch.
I would like to pay tribute to them in your pages.
Q You don't actually have an editing team do you The Bear ?
A Well neither did Shakespeare you bitch
Q Fuck off The Bear
A Your Mum
Q Now, you have acquired a fearsome reputation as a hell-raising party animal The Bear . Is this deserved ? Are you the Hemingway of Brockenhurst ? The Oliver Reed of the New Forest ?
A I have cut back on the drug-fuelled orgies to just once a day now. Are you up for the next one ?
Q No thanks, I do not do bunga-bunga.
A Pity; I could show you my collection of first editions of American poetry. You would be amazed by my Longfellow !!
Q The old jokes are the best, eh, The Bear. What can the readers expect from you in the next 12 months ? Is there something big in the pipeline ?
A Oooh err Missus !! Nurse, the screens !! Well you can expect regular dollops of puerile nonsense at regular intervals. I am planning to set the next episode in Brazil, so expect rip-offs of authors such as Borges, Garcia Marquez and dear Louis.
Q The Bear, on behalf of the New Yorker, thank you.
A I'll be back
A more measured interview was conducted by Stephen Brideshead of the Times Literary Supplement a few days later:
"The Bear, a phenomenon de nos jours. His seminal cyber-masterpiece The Chronicles of Cowie has taken the British literary scene by storm since erupting in early summer 2011.
He has topped the bestseller list on both sides of the Atlantic for weeks. The vampire writers have slunk away from the broad daylight of The Bear's comic genius.
The bookies have stopped taking bets on him winning this Autumn's Booker prize.
Richard & Judy are desperate to interview him but are worried that he may start swearing on Daytime TV.
The less cautious critics are even predicting a call from Oslo in the near future !!
I arrived at The Bear's secret log cabin just outside Brockenhurst in the New Forest with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. This was my first opportunity to interview a future master of the English canon at the very beginning of his career.
After enjoying a modest casse-croute of a Rustlers Mighty Angus with a pleasant bottle of Picpoul de Pinet chilled in the stream at the back of the cabin we began our chat.
When asked for his main literary influences The Bear furrowed his brow and reeled out several dozen European, American, Japanese and Australian authors.
Mainly post-war, mainly pre-2000. The usual suspects were on the list.... Joyce, Poe, Greene, Fowles, Murdoch, Amis père, Burgess, Borges, Rushdie, Barnes, de Bernières.
The Bear asked me to make it plain that he loathes Dickens with a vengeance after being forced to play an urchin in Oliver ! at boarding school.
Some surprises on the list: the Durrell brothers, Tom Robbins, Haruki Murakami, I. Allan Sealy, TH White, Alan Garner, Le Carré, Indridason and several other Scandinavian crime writers.
When asked where he expected posterity to place him in the canon of English literature The Bear grinned and said that he was merely continuing the great English tradition of tomfoolery, expressed alongside his love of the physical and cultural landscape of Albion; a tradition of clownery familiar to dear old Shakey himself.
As I drove away from the modest log cabin towards the fleshpots of Brockenhurst I pondered our meeting and felt humbled to have been in the presence of true comic genius.
I could not put it better than The Bear himself when he said "When all the dust has settled people will read my stuff and say "This guy is a genuine cult""
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)